I couldn’t help but log into friendster and tell you my experience as a teacher during the first day of classes. This is my way of relaxation, expressing things and sentiments through the most powerful means of technology, the internet. I don’t care if somebody comments about my work. I just want to write.

The students, in my own opinion, was… uh… how can I say this… they were okay. I think they could pass off as my brothers or sisters.

I emphasized that I only ask them to develop three general characteristics - that of self-discipline, of responsibility and respect. The class this morning was quite okay, and I hope that it will stay that way. I understand their angst, but the problem is that I wish they themselves can control that angst. It makes me wonder so much why is high school full of restrictions, full of rules that imprison these students so much to conform to the norms, but I think that perhaps one of the reasons to that matter is that they have very little capacity to control themselves. Being a teenager is probably the hardest stage that a person can go through in the course of his life.

To tell you frankly, I had a really tiring day. My feet hurt that I had actually had to limp while going home. I wasn’t able to eat my lunch properly. Right now I my taste buds are inactive. But here I am, full of vigor and enthusiasm to prepare these doggone students not only about the subject matter, but about life.

And just think about it, it will be another day tomorrow.

After much preparation, school will finally start on Tuesday. Partly contrary to that song sung by Kamikazee for a deodorant brand, I am part excited, part nervous (okay, so more nervous) for the first day of school. You know what?

I don’t think I am prepared.

I am not prepared to meet my students.

I am not prepared to teach grammar. I hate teaching grammar.

I don’t think that I am equipped with activities that will stimulate the minds of the kids in my class. I know the feeling of being in a class with an extremely boring teacher, and I don’t want my students to feel that way towards me. AYOKONG MA-KARMA, to be exact

I am not ready to teach Logic. Not ever. If you’re a philosophy professor and you happen to read my blog, please email me some motivational exercises.

I am not ready to teach Literature, for fear that my students are not receptive to the habit of reading.

Everytime I think about school, I think I’m having diarrhea.

Everytime I think about the classes in PNU starting next week, I think about dropping a subject. Will I be able to balance teaching and studying at the same time? I know. Pinapasma ko ang sarili kong utak.

Perhaps these symptoms are just normal for a pessimist like me. Forgive me for the complaints, because it’s my first time to be an educator. So if you happen to be optimistic, I really need your help (Ems, are you there?). I really need a shrink.

Note: After this blog entry, I may not be able to log into Friendster again for a few weeks, due to involving myself into some in-depth study as a teacher. If you want to say "hi," or give me some moral encouragement (which I doubt), please call or text me if you care. 

June 5, 2006

Damn. I was in the middle of typing my blog and suddenly, a dialog box appeared, telling me that an error in connection occured. I couldn’t remember what I was actually typing about… Oh yeah…

One of the most important rooms in an educational institution is the faculty room, where the teacher writes her lesson plans, contemplates about the things that happened during the day or just merely computes her daily earnings from the longganisa she has sold her students (haha).

We went into our respective faculty rooms today, and I picked the one in front of the window, where I could have a great view of the trees with the sun-lit background. Plus, it gives me a bird’s eye view of what actually happens in the school grounds; whether my students are busy wrestling in the parking lot, or whether a couple of my students are sitting together like Siamese twins, swapping spit (i.e., kissing) like there’s no tomorrow. It was the best place in the faculty room, but also the worse, because my seat was also in front of the faculty CR. Just imagine when the person inside forgot to lock the door of the comfort room. What a horrifying visual experience it must be (knock on wood).

It was surreal for me to sit inside the faculty room and officially call myself a faculty member. To tell you frankly, I still don’t think of myself as a teacher. The idea hasn’t sunk into my senses yet. The other teachers seems into the groove of reprimanding students and checking their uniforms every now and then (yes, I have to do that too), but somehow, I feel like I’m still the student. Being inside a faculty room as a teacher but possessing the views of a student is really weird. A person spends about more than 15 years studying since his toddler years, and by this computation, masteral studies isn’t included in the whole learning process yet. I have become used into assuming the role of a student, so that’s probably I’m still viewing the world as one. I consider the Principal and our Head not as my bosses, but as the administration body of the school, and I am a helpless student upon their mercy. I consider my students as the puny freshmen, and I am a senior. Weird, but that’s how I feel. Classes will start next Tuesday, and who knows what will happen. Teachers keep saying that the class that I will handle as an advisor is one of the "most wanted" kids when it comes to notoriety. I feel agitated, with every nerve,every vein in my body throbbing like hell, but what the heck. Action star din naman ako. Maybe I am going to be the founder of the Dead Poets’ Society, Filipino style this coming few months. We can never tell, can we?

                                                     ********

June 3, 2006

For the last three days, the school that I am teaching in (I need not to mention it’s name here in this entry) has offered a seminar for teachers. I actually think that that seminar was more worthwhile than that retreat at Tagaytay last week. Not that I am against the whole thing of retreats and all, but I think that the meaning of actually retreating and going back to the basic things that make life worth living has been lost. I really appreciate that the priest who was in charge of the retreat was not in any way biased against any form of religious belief. Even he was a priest, he emphasized on the importance of faith, and not religion. Religion was just something that people indulge in so they can belong, and it’s not actually a basis of one’s faith or belief in God. Another thing which disappointed me about the school retreat we had last week was the lack of (if not absence of) meaning of the exchange of candle part (I don’t know what was it called). The meaning of the whole ritual was to give the candle to the person whom you feel thankful for, or a person whom you want to say sorry to, or a person whom you want to forgive. We just had a bunch of racket laughing over what a colleague did (a regular clown, at that); and we just passed around the candle, giving it to everyone in the room, just for the heck of it. Last year, they were saying that they really had an emotional time during that ritual (should I even call it a ritual) but today, it was so meaningless. Anyway, just as what I was saying, we had a wonderful seminar about teaching since last Thursday. The speaker was Ms. Estella, a brilliant high school history teacher from Ateneo. The seminar was informal, and I did not really participate in the discussions, but just hearing all of the things that she has to say about teaching really empowered me to go beyond the limits of teaching. I was really sad when I slowly realize that some teachers, even though they clearly emphasize that teaching is a vocation, still think that they do not do something interesting than plain lectures and discussion because the profession does not actually bring in money. Okay, so earning money is a necessity that everyone of us have to go through, but it doesn’t mean that you have to do what is conventional, and let one’s imagination to be stuck in a rut. When Ms. Estella actually told her experiencing regarding her students at Ateneo, I wished that she has been my teacher too. Based on her stories, the things that she does during the class - - - dressing up as a rallyist in 1986 revolution, reneacting a scene from the act of knighting, and her other experiences as a teacher - - she seems like one of those rare gifts from God; an exact image of an ideal teacher that even the most rowdy student longs for. Coincidentally, at this very day one year ago, I also had a heartfelt moment with a teacher, but instead of meeting him like Ms. Estella, I had to say goodbye to him. Sir Jess Cruz, our beloved mentor, passed away last year. Sir Herbert posted a note in Friendster bulletin board that there is a small gathering to be held at Sir Jess’ apartment in his honor. I was very sad that I could not come. Actually, I was quite annoyed with myself because I couldn’t come. Sir Jess was my main inspiration why I pursued the teaching profession, because I want to continue his legacy of educating students not only through books, but through teaching life itself. I clearly remember that Saturday morning last year when my classmates and I went to see Sir Jess. It was the first time again for so many years that I cried in public because I just couldn’t help it. I just couldn’t believe that Sir Jess actually joined our Creator in heaven. It seemed to me that as though he was just sleeping, and he would wake up anytime, and tell us, "Why are you here? My class will still be on Monday." But he’s not asleep. I think Sir Jess did so many things to touch his students and inspire them to be the best that they can be that I actually think that he’s still around. His memory lives in me forever. I know that it goes the same as well to all of the students who have been under his class since the first year he taught at FEU. Everytime that I am petrified by the thought that my first advisory class is known for their notoriety, I just think about Sir Jess, and at this moment, Ms. Estella as well. I hope that there will be more teachers like them. And hopefully, I would be one of those teachers.

                                                      ********