I am in a state of mental shock.

I have written in my past entry that I have been chosen as an adviser for the incoming year class in our school this year. I am flattered that the president and the principal have entrusted me to handle such great position in the school hierarchy, but I also feel afraid for the next few weeks and months to come. I thought that they should have chosen a more experienced teacher to handle rowdy graduating students, but no… they have chosen a 21-year-old chap like me, only 5 or 6 years younger than those kids, and who will only have her first year of teaching in 2006. I have to call their parents up when they’re absent. I have to talk to their parents when they have a failing grade. I have to discipline them as well. As far as I can remember, I haven’t disciplined anyone so far. I have no younger brothers or sisters to take care of. Bigla akong magkakaron ng mga kapatid this June.

Worst of all, I have no right to complain. All of these sacrifices for the sake of being a professor a few years from now.

I don’t feel capable to handle such task. I mean, we have to be realistic about it. I am barely older than these kids, and I am just a few years (and even months) away from my kalokohan days, and giving me the daunting task of handling kids who remind me of who I was isn’t exactly what I expected. Another thing which I did not expect is to handle a Logic class. Do you remember what Logic is all about? It’s one of the philosophy subjects that a regular student like me would likely fail in because it’s simply too complicated. I have to teach a philosophical subject; make them ponder on the following syllogism:

Man is an animal.

An animal has feet.

Therefore, man has feet.

One big ARRGH.

I couldn’t even fully understand the book that the students were trying to study in class. I guess I have to brush up on my skills in Logic, but I had studied that when I was still in my first year in college, and the only thing in my mind then was I had to pass that subject or else, I would be humiliated in the classroom if I don’t know the fallacy to be applied in a certain syllogism.

Sigh…

I am lucky enough to pass in Philippine Normal University and have a chance to study again, taking up my 18 units of education. But with the things I have to do – namely be an adviser for pimply kids as well as the school organ, and teach the fundamentals of logic 5 times a day (other than teaching English), I’d be really stuck in a fatigue.

What the hell. At least I don’t have to go to the gym just to lose weight.

I have never been on rehab before, but as of typing this blog entry, I think I know how it feels like being in one.

Since I have left Sencor (as of this moment, it has already been three weeks), after my two-week vacation away from creating new entries for the directory (in a practical sense, I don’t even know what the hell it’s all about), I have been immersed in the world of education. First was when I took the entrance exam for the CTP program in Philippine Normal University. I don’t even know if I would be able to pass that exam. It was quite easy - WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL. I couldn’t remember any of the formulas for getting the circumcision, i mean, CIRCUMFERENCE of a circle, and certainly, I do not care a thing about getting the area of a cylinder. I don’t exactly stare at a bottle of a Datu Puti toyo or suka, and say, ANO KAYA ANG SUKAT NG BOTENG ITO? Anak ng tokwa naman. The proctor probably thought that I was trying to copy answers from my seatmate, but I wasn’t. Ako? Mangongopya? Hello??? Okay, so I did copy sometime in college but it was in a minor subject I didn’t enjoy. But now, I am too old to do those things. The proctor made me pass my papers about 10 minutes earlier than the others. Wag ko na raw review-hin. ARRGH.

Second encounter was… well, this is actually a permanent encounter - I am actually a full-time teacher now. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH………T. Totoo ba to? I just couldn’t imagine that a prankster like me is actually a teacher now. Just like what Sir Vibas in college said (only with more conviction), "ANONG KALOKOHAN TO?" you might say. Even though it’s a little bit off, I really want to teach, but I want to teach in the college level. Of course, getting there would be a step by step process, and I need an experience. So here I am - a high school english/literature teacher. And not just like any teacher. ADVISER PO AKO. I will be the adviser of 4th year high school students known for their notoriety.

Anong masasabi ko diyan?

ASTIG!

But of course, I have my own fears as well. My first concern would be: HINDI NAMAN KAYA AKO KUYUGIN NG MGA BULLIES DIYAN? Yes, I am pretty tall, but the students in that school have heights resembling that of Yao Ming’s. Isang tulak lang yan sa kin sa pader, casualty na ako. Kidding aside, I couldn’t imagine that they actually gave a 21-year old neophyte like me an advisory section, and what’s worse is that these kids and I have the same characteristics. For the next four years, I, Enna Irallam, number one pasaway in college and post-college days, will have to serve as a role model for my six-footer pubescent pupils with raging estrogens and testosterones.

ASTIG. But I sure feel like I am under a strict rehabilitation program.

I am slowly trying to be sober, but no matter how hard I try, my real identity, that of being a psycho (IN A FIGURATIVE MANNER, OF COURSE) still shows. I still crack up jokes sometimes, but for fear that the principal or our division head might hear me and say that I am not a very good example, I try to keep my jokes wholesome. No matter how I put it, I haven’t accepted the fact that I am indeed a certified GURO. I still feel like a student. I still look like a student, for goodness’ sake. And I know I still have a lot to learn (that’s why I pray to God that I could pass the PNU exams). Teachers are always expected to be role models, sometimes to the point of being perfect individuals, even, which is actually a distortion of facts. Teachers cannot be perfect. Nobody can be perfect. But for these young people who look up to you and who knows that there are only two sides of the coin, how can you tell them that there’s actually a gray area, an ambiguous area in between where a choice is neither good nor bad? I worry about big time.

And since I am facing a new road ahead of me, I can’t help but reminisce about my college and post college days. I miss hanging at the end of the hall outside the Literature department with Kate, Jaypee, Dian, Pam, Ate Rose, Leah, Kim and Tatay Nigel. I miss Sir Sol’s free books. I miss writing Shakespeare verses in armchairs. I miss singing "DAING IBA SA PUSO KO."hehe. I miss the office family - Jel, Andy, Dah, Doris, Vera, Ems and Den. I miss laughing in the elevator. I miss hearing Big Momma cough like it’s the end of the world. I miss our "Yosi" and gaguhan sessions. And weird as it may seem, I miss my colorful error reports.

I guess when changes like this happen, you couldn’t help but miss the people and places you have always been accustomed to. But this is my chosen path, although I might end up like Michelle Pfeifer in "Dangerous Minds."

Astig. Bring it on.

"Stangers are just family you have yet to come to know."

                              - From The Five People You Meet in Heaven, by Mitch Albom

Two days have passed since I left Sencor, and as of typing this blog (which I drafted, because lately it has been hard for my brain to dissect thoughts and put them into words), it has already been three days. My friends are probably working (hah, what am I saying - of course they are) right now, and I am here, in a stuffy internet cafe with kids playing some kind of video game. I have to get myself used to having kids around. I must be ready for them during the weeks to come.

Anyway, I never thought that time would fly by so fast that by the time I cleared out my desk, I haven’t quite digested the fact that I have been promoted as a regular employee a month a two weeks ago.

I wanted to clarify that I didn’t resign becaus I just wanted to. I also want you to know that this abrupt exit isn’t because of depression considering the fact that some of my good friends (namely Andy and Ems) had ended their contract. I mean, I think it’s pretty obvious that I am happy when I go to work. Not necessarily happy about the job (I am bored to death - are you?) but I am happy because I have my friends around. It’s really ironic that the management kinda advocates the establishment of a… well, how can I put it… "neutral" relationship between colleagues, for fear that they might have close ties or they will be too close for comfort, thus resulting into chaotic decisions fatal for the corporate world - - - if a friend leaves, one gets depressed and all sullen, so he/she leaves too. Well, that isn’t the case for me. I know that after Sencor, my dear friends will certainly keep in touch, and we’ll never forget each other (magparamdam ba?) so even though they left, or I left, I’d still be their buddy. It’s the same thing with my college friends, and well, a few of my high school friends. I still keep in touch.

The corporate community should even be thankful that I managed to keep my ass in my seat until April 2006. I could’ve left October 2005, if I had not enjoyed the company of my office family. my friends kept me going to work, waking up at about three in the morning with absolutely nothing to look forward to but the laughs and comradeship, and ending the day with a smile on our faces because we have formed a new codename or a tandem, or a fictional doll named Ma. Leonora Goldencia. I was happy, and still will be for a long period of time, for the friendship that had sprung in the gray four-walled office (beside a karaoke(?) bar and a one-meter dumpster) I have stayed in for about eight months and two weeks. I owe it mainly to the seven people I entered the company with, a bunch of strangers at first with seriously having no idea what they were in for - Jel, Andy, Dah, Doris, Ems, Vera and Den - you are one hell of a great group, even though all of you have a hint of late autism like me.hehe. Nah, just kidding. You all know that the big tribute you pulled on me on my last day in the office made me one hell of a Judy Ann Santos under a tree in Baywalk last Saturday and I covered my face so you wouldn’t see me boo-hoo-ing. Naman, alam niyo namang action star ako and I hate sobbing in public. Para saan pa yung leather jacket at boots ko. Mabangis pa naman ako (refer to the primary pic).

And to the other people who walked the same dreaded path of updating entries and making new ones - from Amain to Inahin to Lolo, to the lead vocalist (WHO DIDN’T ACCEPT MY TESTIMONIAL FOR HIM) to Mylene, thanks for making the days bright and happy and at some point, creepy. And to Ate Princess and Ate Jen (actucally, I found out that I shouldn’t even call you "Ate" because you’re just a year or two older than me, but I still insist that I should, to show my respect and gratitude) - thanks for the mild error reports. With the word "mild," what I mean is I fully trust whatever you type in your error reports, because I do not feel dumb or degraded when I read it (you know what I mean), but I still feel "enlightened," with a thought springing in my head, "So that’s where I went wrong." Hope you will be granted with your PAROLES in the corporate jail (Ate Princess knows what I mean by that).

By the next month (or earlier) ako naman ang gagawa ng error report (YAHOO!! Di pa kasi ako nakakapag-QA sa tanang buhay ko) by filling out lesson plans and checking the papers of hormonally-imbalanced thirteen-year olds, with zits popping all over their faces like millions of Mt. Mayons. I will now be a FUCKULTY, i mean, faculty member, with the aging librarians and registrars, and the post-menopausal faculty members around me. I clearly see myself, If ever I don’t have a companion with the same age as I do, sitting in a corner of a room with earphones stuck in my ear while stomping my feet to the tune of some rock music. This is my new life. Wala nang gaguhan. Well, since I couldn’t live without panloloko at pangtitrip, I may put my energies into full force during Saturday classes at PNU (para lang sa mga normal, pano yan, hindi ako normal?). Amidst that threat, I’mhappy about it because I know this is one of the things I really want to do. As Paulo Coehlho said in his book, "When you want to achieve something, the universe conspires to help you achieve it." It may sound too idealistic, far from the ideas presented by Mann, Woolf or Faulkner, but when you imagine all of the shit we’re into in this modern world, it’s an empowering thought. Once you’ve figured out what you want to do, you’ll finally beat the crappy cowardice out of yourself and you wouldn’t be afraid to do the things you always want to do all these years. Now we’re out of college, we’re the ones who fashion our life according to our own decisions. Funny as it may seem, I do not give up on the thought of a bespectacled weirdo from Cavite entering the Palanca award or the Sundance Film Festival; more so that you shouldn’t give up on a print version of "The Escape to Keep my Sanity Intact" in a national paper, or "Andrea Renevera: Memoirs" album topping the Billboard charts (hehe). You may feel like bullshit, pissed off by the Cerberus-like superiors or co-workers who do not have anything better to do than to tell you that your work’s a bunch of crap. With a KABAYO-like focus (at least in a moderate level), a mental patient’s crazy antics (to ward off sad, negative moments) and with co-retards on tow (old and new), everything will be okay, with some bumps along the way, of course.

To quote from Vera, "No more updates, no more new entries, no more error reports." Oh yeah, and no more Ronn Jolejole (feeling hot, hot hot! - you know that song?) and his belching machine. At least the only thing I’ll miss is the sound of the last one.