this is not a blank blog entry.

okay, so i told everybody that i am not going to update my blog and i broke that promise… sobrang wala lang kasi akong magawa…

i am still mentally constipated. my hamlet-nesque attitude pervading again with one of the decisions i have to make in my life. to pass or not to pass the story in an effort to earn cash… that’s the question. i badly need cash for the expenses of my family and the fare i have to spend in getting to work. arrgh… i just don’t think that my style of writing is something that could be published… it’s the type that you would want to burn or bury forever until eventually a version of a neanderthal in the future (it’s possible, i tell you) finds it and gobbles it up, thinking that it was food. he re-discovers after that he has experienced diarrhea…

arggh… what to do, what to do…

i wonder how shakespeare felt when no words came up to his little attic upstairs?

i think that it has been too long since i have been working in this company, but it’s only been almost one month since me and my co-workers have been accepted as a probationary worker (uh? does labor have to be forced?). so far, i have  adjusted to the yet monotonous office life, but i try to brighten things up for myself (and accidentally including others as well) by finding loopholes in this silly thing called life.

sigh.

i don’t think i have enough rest. travelling hours from manila to cavite is enough to make me experience fatigue to the highest level. but i have to say that my most favorite part of the day has to be the part when i’m going home. it’s the time when i get to peek into the lives of other people in the fx or bus i’m boarding in. the people look so lost and tired. i look lost, tired and harrassed. that’s how bad it is during the end of the day.

i try to find things that will make me laugh, or at least smile. there’s the perpetual YES FM, HOME RADIO and MELLOW TOUCH music which make my  brains rot like heck. i admit that i make fun of people (at least in thoughts going on in my mind) who sing to the tune of Asin and Hagibis (that was last Saturday. boy, was it a blast. i am glad to know that at least there ARE older people that i am,hehe) or to the tune of april boy’s "muling ibalik" or any of his songs played on the radio. and there are also songs which make me feel quite nostalgic; it gives me the feeling that i want to go back to the days when i was a child again. the songs from the 80’s make me feel that way (’starlight express,’ anyone?). Songs like ‘the greatest love of all’ (by whitney houston) and "from a distance" (uh… was it by bette midler?) makes me remember my toddler days, when we used to sing it in prep school graduation, with matching actions filled with emotions.

heckheckheckheckheckheck.

arrgh. i am digressing again. i only found recently that beyond my happy and carefree attitude lies a lost and lonely individual. i am a person who eternally sings "lonely day" (by phantom planet) and rejoice that it’s another lonely day. being lonely has been a part of my life. i know that it is a part of your life too.

i have decided not to quit my job - YET. i figured out that i need to earn some dough if i want to help my family.

sigh. sorry for pouring things out in this stupid blog. i just miss college. i miss writing to my diary. i don’t even have time to sit down and contemplate anymore.

sheesh…

it’s already the 1st week of october and i still do not know what to do with my life. i went to inquire about school fees yesterday (malamang, sa isang school) because of a plan i want to pursue… all of a sudden, i have a big feeling that my plan will backfire. i dunno if it’s good or bad. damn it, it’s another one of those "damn it if you do, damn it if you don’t" situations. arrgh.

yesterday, my aunt and i had a small talk about the problems going on in the house, and as usual, it’s about money again. why do we always have to worry about money?? yeah, i guess money does make the world go round in a way but it stops to the point that we need money because we have to buy stuff we need to put up with survival and with a little bit of indulgence and luxury sometimes, i guess. beyond that, i don’t see the point of letting money ruling one’s world.

arrgh. trabaho na naman po…. sheesh.